ColGlobe At The Spoof

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Driving and Higher Mathematics

(A(x+2)-B(x))/60 = C

Looks like Greek, doesn't it? It is. But you know what? You may not be able to solve this equation on paper, but you can do it without even thinking about it at the same time as you're riding down the road flipping through your favorite channels on the radio.

I've always been amazed that people say they don't understand algebraic math, and yet they don't even hesitate to jump behind a steering wheel.

Go with me, on this. The equation above is nothing more than the formula to tell you how fast you better STOP THE FREAKIN CAR BEFORE YOU HIT THE IDIOT IN FRONT OF YOU.

See, you are car (A)lpha Romeo, and you are booking right along at x+2, but that fool in front of you, in his jacked up (B)uick is only going x (maybe because he's not burning hi-test, but that's beside the point); by golly every second you are getting closer to the point of (C)ollision.

Do you follow? The quiet little back of your brain looks at that guy's tailights getting larger and brighter, and tells your foot that it had better push down on the brake pedal, or you're gonna have an accident. Because that part of your brain DOES know how to do that funky higher math. It also has a severe dislike of pain. Putting those two items together, you are slowing down without even thinking about it, because you naturally see what is happening.

Ditto for that jug in the fridge with only half a glass of milk in it. Nobody is going to drink it. After figuring the volume of the jug, and then the amount of liquid remaining, your brain (and anyone else's who sees the jug) comes to the equation that if you drink that last tiny bit, you'll be held responsible for drinking THE WHOLE THING. Best to leave it there until some new lifeform begins to grow on the surface of the milk, thereby converting this math exercise into a real world science experiment.

Ladies, a lot of you like to pretend that algebra is too much work. But let's be realistic. How many times have you held a pair of jeans against your body, calculated the volume of space available in them, then subtracted your actual lower body mass, and came to the conclusion that they fit fine, you only have to lie down and stretch way out on the bed to get into them? If you have to cut 'em off with scissors later, then so be it. I mean, good googly woogly, your bras are already labled with A, B, C, and D. You just fill in the value. Not to mention the twisted equations you do in your pretty little heads when trying to decide the right amount of skin to display in ratio to the amount of bloatation you are feeling at the moment.

And what about that late-night snack? We've already established that no way are you touching that milk, so now all you have to do is figure out how big the empty spot in your stomach is, to better determine what size bowl you need for the Captain Crunch CrunchBerry, or whether to just eat your fill straight from the box. Errors in this equation result in the comment "Eyes were to big for my belly".

So stop thinking that algebra is hard to do. If your animal brain can do it while you are scratching your butt, the big, smart part of your brain shouldn't have a problem, either. If it does, please let me know what roads you drive on, as I want to stay well away from you when you are driving.

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