ColGlobe At The Spoof

Saturday, November 17, 2007

People are composed of 80% water

And this is the world we live in

First a WTF:

The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers does not deny that they accidentally dug a hole in the bottom of Lake Michigan and Lake Huron in the early 1960s when they dredged a shipping channel in the St. Clair River. -UPI 2007

Could somebody explain to me what this means? Where did the hole they dug lead to? Are we cooling off the center of the earth by pouring one of the world's largest lakes into it? I keep getting a visual of the chinese guy who digs a hole all the way to the USA, which can't possibly be correct. I hope.


This first section of links concerns some of the largest lakes in the U.S. and in the world. An hour of putting lake names into Google leads me to believe that most of the lakes in the world are drying up. I know by visual observance that most of the freshwater bodies in the Southeastern U.S. are going or already gone.

Okay, so the lakes are drying up. No big deal, right? The glaciers could be melted to replace the loss, right? Ain't gonna happen, my friends. This next section concerns loss of icecaps and glaciers the world around.

Okay, but if the ice packs are melting and the lakes are still drying up, that means that we don't have to worry about rises in sea levels, right? I mean, God is gonna cut us some slack somewhere along the line, because he loves us, isn't she? Magic Eight Ball says "The answer appears bleak."

Now then. If you even looked at some of the links, you noticed that all this bad news comes from all over the world. It comes from U.S. government studies performed by USGS, NASA and other government agencies. National Geographic, National Public Radio, and Greenpeace. I provided enough references from a broad enough spectrum of agencies both here and abroad to hopefully rule out general bias immediately.

And these are SAMPLE links, chosen because they got straight to the point, and taken from only a few variations of a search on "water level". For instance, water level, glacial retreat, snow melt. With each variation on the search I picked a few of the first 10 results from Google. The exception is that the first section, concerning lakes, was a look at some of the top 20 largest lakes in the world (which accounts for a little more than 75% or so of ALL the surface fresh water on the whole planet), plus a few local to Florida (for a personal reference). But the point is, there are literally thousands of examples just like these that I never even took a look at.

So.. tell me I'm jumping at phantom noises, tell me it's all in my head, tell me that you already knew, tell me that YOU are doing something to stop it. By golly geezums, folks. This is rapidly becoming a worldwide emergency, and my local TV stations are worried about some woman who stole a purse at the grocery store. Film at 11.

I'm tired of hearing the various news agencies being deliberately unclear about the use of words like "Taliban", "Al Qaeda", and "terrorist". I cannot fault a people for fighting off foreign invaders, using whatever tools available, regardless whether or not MY country is the invader in question. Being my country doing the invading doesn't make it right. If my country were invaded, I would use anything I could make a weapon out of in order to drive them away... any good patriot of any country would. "Don't tread on me" is an american phrase, but not an american sentiment. But I digress.
When are the major news agencies going to start spending hours telling us about drastically low water levels, unhealthy contaminant levels, fading or lost icecaps, billions of dollars in projects to hold back encroaching sea levels, or any of a hundred other vitally important conditions that threaten our whole species?

When are our nation's leaders going to stop stabbing each other in the back, trying to get stabbed in the butt, molesting children, raising taxes, and sending our children off to die, and start trying to fix or least lessen global catastrophes which grow closer exponentially every year little or nothing is done?

When are the masons and the shriners and all those people who are the real movers and shakers behind every major decision being made the world over going to make some decisions that count? Hasn't anyone told them that there is a time limit involved?

We've established the 'what', we are the only 'who' available, 'where' is the whole planet, 'why' is because our species depends on it, and that only leaves the most important question to ever face humanity....

When? When?? WHEN????????

Do we wait for Florida to sink, or Paris to flood? Shall we hold off until the antarctic is a tropical prairie? Can we stall until the cost of a liter of fresh water is more than the average american earns in a day? Are we collectively hopeful that we will be called to rapture before the end of times? Have we all lost our minds?

Yes, I am trying to be at least marginally sensationalist. Yes, I am trying to be overly sarcastic and cynical. But I want to hit you, dear reader, in the gut. I want you to get mad, sad, bitter and determined. I want you to show me that I am wrong. I want you to make me look like a fool. Because, simply put, if you don't then we are all going to look like fools, and it's going to happen sooner than we think.

I used to plan on being dead when the feces hit the oscillating device, but that is a hope that fades with each passing month. All the indicators across the whole board seem to point towards some major things happening not fifty years from now, but more like 5 or 10, and I just don't foresee anything short of personal calamity taking me out of the picture that soon.

Get involved. Do some Google/Lycos/Yahoo/whoevertheheckyouwant searches of your own. Visit local watersheds in your area. Teach your children. Teach your children. Teach your children. Teach your children. Teach your-- it really is the ONLY solution.

End of rant, back to your regularly scheduled mindlessly soothing primetime programming.

M-Theory made simple

For anyone who has lived under a rock for the past 20 years, there is a mathematic theory that many claim could well be the Theory of Everything, the Grand Unified Theory, and a waste of time.
The math seems to work. Except that it's math that had to be developed for this particular set of thoeries (there are something like 6 versions), and it gets kinda fuzzy about halfway through the first couple of sub-equations.

But let's look at it from the layman's point of view, and those who are interested can do the math later while driving in the rain.

String theory allows quantum mechanics (the math of things extremely small) and relativistic theory (the math of things really big) to be grouped into a single mathematic framework. Really smart people have been looking for a way to do this since the discovery of higher math, and the technology to give really smart people far too much free time on their hands.
But for M-theory to work, there are a few small conditions that must be met:
A] four dimensions aren't enough room to work in. The general opinion is that there are actually either 8 or 11 dimensions, but some variations offer as many as 26. In layman's terms, an extra dimension is where socks go that are put in the washer, but never come out.
B] All those dimensions make it impossible to have a single solution to any given problem. This is easily solved by adding paralell universes. For every possible solution to any possible problem in any possible moment in time, there exists a universe where that solution happened.
C] A few other things, but none as awesome as the first two.

Scientists with much less free time on their hands shrug and say "can you show us how this is proven in an experiment?" The M-theory folks smile and point out that if the experiment is performed, the result can't be proven to be valid because we might not be in a universe where the experiment can work.

What is really scary is that I believe them. If anything that can be imagined exists, then the very act of performing such an experiment would taint the experiment beyond usability. Some call this the "observer effect" which says that the very act of observing a thing has an effect on that thing's behavior. In truth, M-theory is the observer effect on steroids. At any given moment, each of us may or may not flip out of this particular universe, and into another that looks exactly like this one, except that some things are different. Possibly only one small difference.
What about the universe we leave behind? Simple, another version of us that's not quite the real us, but could possibly be more real than we are, flips in to fill the void. Let's look at the socks in the washer again. You know that you put in an even number of socks, but now you have an odd number. You've searched everywhere, in case you dropped it, but the sock is not to be found. To those familiar with M-theory, the solution is obviously simple. The sock simply doesn't exist in this universe anymore. In a different dimension of another universe, some poor bloke is always wondering where that extra sock came from.
Note that these side-by-side universes act as balancers for one another, exactly as a mathematic equation balances each side of the equal(=) sign. It's elegant, and simple enough for anyone to grasp. Nothing is ever gone, it is simply gone somewhere else.

All those people who have just disappeared for all those years, never to be heard from again? Yup. They flipped to another universe. Or-- and this is where you have to be careful-- they didn't disappear at all, but you flipped to place where they aren't at. Nothing can possibly be lost... but it can pop to somewhere else. We've all had experiences where something that couldn't be found was found, and this seemed to be the only logical answer.

How does all this flipping and popping happen? Simple. Most people think of the smallest thing to be a tiny little point. M-theory, and most of it's variations, say that instead of a tiny little point, the smallest bit of matter is something that looks like a thread. Sometimes, it resembles a piece of string (hence, string-theory), and sometimes it resembles a hoop, or loop.

Now, these extremely tiny things are constantly vibrating. Most explanations of the theory compare these vibrations to a guitar string, which makes different tones when vibrated in different ways. Next we add in some newtonian physics, and call the result super-symmetry. In layman's terms, this means that everything balances out. Newton said something to the effect of "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Apply this not only to motion, but to everything that exists, in every dimension, and every universe.

Now, it is almost painfully obvious that when the string assigned to the space-time location of that sock vibrates, the sock moves to either a different space, or a different time. (Oh! There it is! I could have sworn I JUST looked there, and didn't see it!) Elementary, my dear Watson.

M-theory is beautiful. It requires the same quiet acceptance as most popular religions. You can't prove it was a miracle, but your faith tells you so, and therefore you must have faith that it was, indeed, a miracle. I can't pull the sock back from where it went to show you that it was there, because once it is here again, it won't be there any longer. Just go with me on this and smile agreeably.

Now, this is where things get a little spooky. We have just turned expessible science into nothing more than the power of faith. Those who want a thing badly enough, and have learned to be in tune with the strings, can make it happen. The trick is to learn to be in tune with the strings, which are both too small to measure, and larger than our entire universe, all wrapped up in one. In fact, some strings could be a series of entire universes. You can't see them or feel them or smell them or hear them, but they are responsible for everything you see, feel, hear, taste, or smell.
The really smart guys are going to be getting all the girls, except for the guys who live in the universes where they get none of the girls, and all the variations in between.

In fact, it would be logical to say that even the theory itself won't be valid in at least as many universes as it is valid in. Oh, the details would change also.. some variants would not contain any dimensions at all, while others would have an infinite number of dimensions.

So you see. It can't be tested or proven. The act of trying to test or prove it will be influenced by the testing or proving. And if you get a bad result, it could be because you're in a universe where the bad result is the correct answer. And everything is like that. Each key that I press as I write this has an infinite number of results in an infinite number of dimensions scattered across an uncountable amount of universes. In some of them, I wasn't happy with what I typed.

And that, dear reader, is M-theory in a nutshell. It is a faith for the faithless, and science for the non-scientific. It is also a complete breakdown of systems. Anarchy on a scale that defies all comprehension. It could be the theory of everything, or it could be a hoax that defies definition because there simply isn't anything to it to define.

Only you can decide. Are you in tune with the strings?

For the real String theory, visit The Elegant Universe
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Thursday, November 15, 2007

An Introduction

The first several posts I will make here are direct copies of blogs written and posted on Myspace.
Where possible, the ideas represented are my own, and mistakes made are likewise my own. Usually.

Comments and corrections are always welcome, though sometimes unacknowledged. I don't mind being called a fool, but I much prefer being told how I am being foolish. To say "that's just stupid" is just stupid. Be colorful and say that I am being unabashedly stupid, or something.

I don't intentionally belittle the little guy. I am the little guy. I make little or no effort to be politically correct. I am not a politician. The pay would be higher, but I couldn't ignore my personal ethics.

If you read something that you like, tell others. If you read something you don't like, tell others. If you learn something new, tell others. If you find my ramblings to be a total waste of time, tell me.

thanks for stopping by!

Driving and Higher Mathematics

(A(x+2)-B(x))/60 = C

Looks like Greek, doesn't it? It is. But you know what? You may not be able to solve this equation on paper, but you can do it without even thinking about it at the same time as you're riding down the road flipping through your favorite channels on the radio.

I've always been amazed that people say they don't understand algebraic math, and yet they don't even hesitate to jump behind a steering wheel.

Go with me, on this. The equation above is nothing more than the formula to tell you how fast you better STOP THE FREAKIN CAR BEFORE YOU HIT THE IDIOT IN FRONT OF YOU.

See, you are car (A)lpha Romeo, and you are booking right along at x+2, but that fool in front of you, in his jacked up (B)uick is only going x (maybe because he's not burning hi-test, but that's beside the point); by golly every second you are getting closer to the point of (C)ollision.

Do you follow? The quiet little back of your brain looks at that guy's tailights getting larger and brighter, and tells your foot that it had better push down on the brake pedal, or you're gonna have an accident. Because that part of your brain DOES know how to do that funky higher math. It also has a severe dislike of pain. Putting those two items together, you are slowing down without even thinking about it, because you naturally see what is happening.

Ditto for that jug in the fridge with only half a glass of milk in it. Nobody is going to drink it. After figuring the volume of the jug, and then the amount of liquid remaining, your brain (and anyone else's who sees the jug) comes to the equation that if you drink that last tiny bit, you'll be held responsible for drinking THE WHOLE THING. Best to leave it there until some new lifeform begins to grow on the surface of the milk, thereby converting this math exercise into a real world science experiment.

Ladies, a lot of you like to pretend that algebra is too much work. But let's be realistic. How many times have you held a pair of jeans against your body, calculated the volume of space available in them, then subtracted your actual lower body mass, and came to the conclusion that they fit fine, you only have to lie down and stretch way out on the bed to get into them? If you have to cut 'em off with scissors later, then so be it. I mean, good googly woogly, your bras are already labled with A, B, C, and D. You just fill in the value. Not to mention the twisted equations you do in your pretty little heads when trying to decide the right amount of skin to display in ratio to the amount of bloatation you are feeling at the moment.

And what about that late-night snack? We've already established that no way are you touching that milk, so now all you have to do is figure out how big the empty spot in your stomach is, to better determine what size bowl you need for the Captain Crunch CrunchBerry, or whether to just eat your fill straight from the box. Errors in this equation result in the comment "Eyes were to big for my belly".

So stop thinking that algebra is hard to do. If your animal brain can do it while you are scratching your butt, the big, smart part of your brain shouldn't have a problem, either. If it does, please let me know what roads you drive on, as I want to stay well away from you when you are driving.